Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
