So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
