i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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