doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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