Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
