NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
