I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
