When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
