I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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