I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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