If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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