What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
