Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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