Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
