I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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