Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
