I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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