so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
