you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
