My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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