apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
