Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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