Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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