She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
