I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
