why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
