I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
