I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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