I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
