I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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