considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
