3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
