Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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