I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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