Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
