I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
