I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
