I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
