You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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