so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
