You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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