i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
