I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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