Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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