After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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