sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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