Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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