so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
