Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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