Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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